I was trying to think why I’m so unhappy and the image that comes to my mind is your angry, exasperated face this afternoon. And thinking about that makes me smile. I’m sorry for being just a disappointment, and for trying your patience so hard. ;)
I know is childish to say that my life doesn’t turn out be what I was hoping; I’m 27 years old and I don’t have my future already map like you do. I’m building my life step by step and I’m afraid that I’m wasting my time. Most of the time I feel that my ‘being’ doesn’t survive in this language; I can’t be myself in English. I feel lonely, with no one to talk to, to share ideas and emotions, and thoughts. I feel that I’m losing something precious, some crazy way to be in the world, some originality of thought. I study anthropology for four years and that alone change my life. And I’m losing that too. I know that I made the right choice and every day is a new day, and in a way good things happen, but when I look around all I see is this green that drives me crazy, all this politeness, and I feel trap. I feel that I’m living in ‘nobody’s land’. And in that moment all I want is the open sky of my country, the richness of my language, the open face of my cousin, the warm of my friends. And I know I can’t have it all.
I also know that if I look around me I find plenty of reasons for being happy and grateful. I’m white, European, middle class, with a happy childhood. I never saw wars, its affects; I don’t know anything about the negritude of the world. But my world is not that vast, and my expectations are high.
My unhappiness is unreasonable, childish maybe, the unhappiness of someone that doesn’t want to grow up, and complains how unfair life is. I know I don’t have that right. But I’m just a lost soul, with a weary sense of humour. And my life is changing, and I’m just afraid.
I have a blue cat in my wall and drawings that my cousin did for me. Those things alone make me happy: poetry and music, books and rainbows, driving my car, the beach, an ice cream, and the e-mails that David sends me, writing a good text, saying unbelievable things, being nice to cute guys, eating good fruit, sleep, esquilos, the train’s stations, when it rains on a sunshine day, all of this makes me happy, because it makes me believe that god really exist and we are not alone.